Fun times at Shao Yuan International Guest House! Vol 3.

The M&Ms Challenge
Some M&Ms are stronger than other M&Ms. Cushla and I took an ordinary pack of M&Ms and made them square off with one another in a squishy death battle!
Witness the finalists, covered in the squamous guts of their victims.

For your information, red was the strongest colour. The champion died a warrior's death, melting in my mouth - not in my hand.

An Open Letter

Dear Every Chinese Man in Beijing,
Please wait until I am walking directly behind you before chain-smoking four of your nasty cigarrettes right in my face. That way when I punch you in the lungs you will really get a good idea of how I am feeling at that time.
Also, if you could hoik up some phlegm right by my shoe that would be great.

Regards,
Joshua Jones

Introductions: Our Teachers

We have four different classes here at Beida, and four very different teachers. They are all nice and let us take lots of photos of them though! Heehee.


Wang Lao shi (lao shi means teacher) takes us for Chinese Language, which is recognising characters, speaking, studying grammar, that sort of thing.
He likes: Tests, handouts and striped jerseys.


Yang Fan Lao Shi takes us for Conversational Chinese, which is how to ask for directions, or give directions (which I have done once! But only in English...) and how to talk about ourselves.
She likes: Dresses with big sleeves, playing games, cheerfully yelling at us.


Shao Lao Shi takes us for Chinese Culture, which is supposed to be Calligraphy and Paper Cutting. We haven't done any paper cutting yet, but maybe tomorrow will be the day. Our class makes him nevous.
He likes: Hiro from the tv show Heroes, giving constructive feedback.


Zhao Lao Shi takes us for Singing. We study the language of songs and then we learn how to sing them. He is a dark horse.
He likes: Mime (he's really good!), singing songs about whatever we're talking about, looking serious.

And that's how it is.

Fun times at Shao Yuan International Guest House! Vol 2.

Oh, no you di'n't!


Riding the subway is mean fun, definitely my favourite way of getting around. Because we are slow white imperialist pigs, Chinese people like to push past us in queues and race past on the stairs down in the di tie (subway).
But I don't get bitter. Oh no. I turn it into a fun game.
Now whenever I am going up or down the stairs in the di tie I try to pass as many people as possible. My current record is san (three), but I hope to achieve wu (five) before I come home. Because it mostly takes place underground, I call this new fitness sensation Undertaking.
You can Undertake wherever there are stairs, and lots of people using them! I hope you to give it a try for happiness!

Fun times at Shao Yuan International Guest House! Vol 1.

This is a scale drawing of the remote control for my room's heat pump. Using this invaluable drawing, I mapped all the functions of the machine in handy-dandy English. Now some of the group said it was sad that I made this, but we will see who's sad when their pump doesn't switch on at 4:30 and give their room a jolly good 90 minute roasting!

The two types of food in China

There are two types of food in China: 'Hideous' and delicious'.
Actually that's not true, it is slightly more graduated. But most food fits into these two categories. Let me explain.
There are two types of food in China: 'spicy' and 'not as spicy'
For example, we went to a food place tonight where they cook up vegetables you select. When it's finished the chef asks if you want spices in it. If you nod he heaps it in. If you shake your head he only gives you one spoonfull. There is no 'no-spicy' option.
There are two types of food in China: 'Western' and 'Chinese.' Chains like McDonalds and Starbucks are prevalent over here. And if you thought Starbucks was expensive in New Zealand, think again! It's hideously expensive to buy Western food in China, presumably because the market isn't as large. The Spicy chicken Fillet burger at McDonalds is totally delicious though. I've had four of them so far. Yep. KFC sell fish burgers, as we discovered quite accidentally.
Chinese food is usually a bit cheaper, but you risk eating something that may not agree with you, or eating something you don't agree with! Most of the people in our class have a moral objection to eating sea horse, for example, because they're endangered. Of course they're endangered, they're the most ridiculous animal on the planet! They're the dodo bird of the sea. I would eat one, but I don't want to deprive a snork of his steed.
At the night markets I have also been offered cat, dog, sheeps balls, live fish, centipedes, cockroaches, beatles and goats penis, all of which I politely declined. I did partake in the fried scorpion and a little bit of snake though.
Just a man with his scorpion.
And pear soup. I don't know.
The fried scorpion was pretty nice. Crunchy-like. The snake was rubbery, like chewing on a tiny bike tyre. No one was quite as keen on that. Observe:
Judith about one second after chowing down on some snake.
I am really missing sweet things. My sweet tooth yearns for goodies! They have snickers bars here, and ice cream but, which is the last thing you want to eat in this weather and anyway it's too expensive. Fruit tends to be what the Chinese have for dessert. The best food I have found over here so far is called zanza. It is fruit on a stick, coated in toffee. Like a toffee apple, but with more variety. I have had kiwifruit, strawberry, apple, mandarin, pear, tomato and these strange little Chinese apples that are quite delicious. The last one you can also get coated in peanuts.

Kids in my class will know about the dragon fruit, because we studied it in Reading and it ended up being one of those things we talked about all year. So when I saw one at a stall I had to buy it. It was actually not tasty. But Judith seemed to like it.

There are two types of food in China: food in wacky packaging and food with no packaging.
Pepsi bottles have the Chinese Gladiators on the side. Which is funny because they're such tiny men they just look like glam metal stars from the 80s. It would be like giving me a nerf gun and calling me a NZ Galdiator. Fun fact: Chinese don't understand the word 'Pepsi'. I don't know what they call it, cos it's written right there on the side of the bottle.
There is a chocolate bar called 'Guts'. Disturbing. But funny when I asked a sick classmate if she'd spewed her 'guts' out. Ha!

Dave called it with the chips. Blueberry is the best flavour. I tried braised pork but just couldn't get into it. I'll bring you some back, Dave!
So maybe there are a few more than two types of food in China...

Empathy

I now know what it must be like to be Wendy.

And what it would be like if Chicky had an older brother (who I will name Chooky)

It's quite cold

There is an ice lantern festival in a place called Harbin, way up north. It is the closest Chinese city to Russia. A few people from class are talking about going up there to check out the sights.
Am I going? Hell no.
The average temperature in Harbin is 30 degrees below zero. I'm told today was -10 and I almost lost my manhood to the cold. It's ridiculous how miserably cold it was today. The wind is the real killer - when you're indoors it's fine.
So in conclusion, Harbin is the kind of place you want to visit in the pages of a good book, while next to a roaring fire. Give me the heatwave!!
And to show you I'm serious, here is a photo of me standing on a frozen lake and looking red and pissy.
Peace out.

Auspicious Heavenly Announcement

Let it be known that Joshua Jones and Rose Powley will not be returning to New Zealand. During their trip to the Summer Palace it was discovered that they are blessed descendants of royal family. They stay and rule us with wisdom and harmony.

"'Chur', said the Empress. And it was good."

De internetty?

We may be able to pay to get cable internet in our room which would mean I could update without it costing 30 yuan every half hour. (It takes me a long time to compose my brilliance, you know!)
I will keep you posted, so to speak.

Classic Signage

One of my favourite pastimes over here is photographing hilariously translated signs. When we spend all day walking around feeling like idiots can you blame me for taking pleasure in the Chinese' mistakes? It does make me wonder if we have clothing with Chinese characters on it whether it says something completely ridiculous and we don't realise. Hmmm...
Mum, if you want some of this let me know. I'll hook you up.
Ooooh. I imagine in Chinese this is more romantic and less creepy. MAybe not, it could be a niche store.
above the men's urinal at the Summer Palace.
So true...
Oh, you superior bitch.

This one's kind of hard to read. I caption for you!
"In this world there are several men who make us envy but appreciated. They are near to be perfect. Although time has passed several centuries, we have come to an era of fast tempo with turgidity and vanity. Those people are just like twinkling diamond and glitter silently in the streams of time."
I know what you're thinking: this should be my next tattoo, yes?

I spoil myself

After two days mostly offline, I have recognised that the Internet has officially packed up. So here I am in an internet cafe, keeping you all in my loop. It is quite expensive, so I may not be able to update as much as I liked. I want to post a lot of photos, but the speed of the, net over here makes that difficult. I will persevere!

In the winter Beijing is a hoary kind of cold. At the Summer Palace that worked to our advantage because we didn't overheat walking up and down all the stairs and the lake was frozen and beautiful. But damn if I'm not sick and tired of putting gloves, hats, scarves and jackets on and then having to strip out of them whenever we go inside!
While I'm on the topic of clothes... I spoiled myself today. We went to this shopping mall and it was okay, mostly girly stuff like bags and shoes. I wasn't that impressed.Until we realised that two thirds of the place was underground! We had only scratched the surface (and I mean that more literally than usual) with what we had thought was the whole mall.
Downstairs was the goods. I saw a lot of cool stuff. Chinese new year is my friend (and yours) because most major stores seem to be having half-price sales in honour of the occasion. So although the malls are way more expensive than the markets you can still get a good deal. I bought a jersey and some pants. They are both black, so I look like a ninja right now. I better invest in some colour, especially as most of Beijing is grey.

The Internet Hates Me

The internet hates me today. Having trouble posting. Will head to a cyber cafe tomorrow and do a big update if possible. Peace to all my homies!

The Day that Rocked

I am feeling prolific so I'm going to roll with it and get down some thoughts about the past Sunday. We were lucky enough to have Pauline Smith from Mokoia Intermediate, who is doing a 3 month stint with AFS, come and spend the day with us. So the six of us (Myself, Rose, Judith, Donna, Pauline and Chicky) spent the day pretty much on the subway. First stop had to be the Forbidden City. It is situated right in the middle of Beijing, so the subway puts you right at the front gate. Across the road is Tiananmen Square. We were actually so excited about the Forbidden City that we didn't go and have a look there, so will have to do that another day.


The photos I took really can't do the Forbidden City justice. It's so huge. You can't be there and not feel a sense of awe and majesty. I will remember it always.

Next up we caught a bus to the Wangfujing shopping District where I did something disgusting. But that's another story.

Introductions: Kid

This is the cutest kid on the planet. Sorry, Dekin. This picture was taken inside the Forbidden City. Thanks to whoever owns her for letting me use her picture. Heh heh.

Introductions: Zhao Yuqin

This is my language buddy, Zhao Yuqin. Her English name is flower. She wants to learn how to express herself better in English. She is a huge fan of the natural environment, and has many fascinating stories about parts of the Beida landscape. She has named me Zhang lan, which means blue sky, ostensibly because I was dressed all in blue I think. Today we went to the lake in the middle of campus which is completely frozen over. In China people ice skate just like you would expect. But they also make use of a wicked-looking chair-based thing. I must have a go! I'll post a pic of that when I do. She also showed me around the majority of campus, including the locations of all the gates in and out. Very useful info!!
What I would like you guys to do is think about the most interesting word in English you can think of that relates to nature and post it here. I will then attempt to teach it to her. The suggestion that is voted the bestest will win some cool
Chinese crap! You have one week, starting... now.

Introductions: Chairman Meow

This cheeky rascal lives in the courtyard below my room. I have named him Chairman Meow. He eats whatever is lying around and spends the rest of the day looking classily dishevelled. I will never touch him (or her for all I know, but let's stick with him for the purposes of the humourous name.) Consider what it takes to get to this age and size in a country where you are fried up and served by stall workers on the side of the road!
P.S This is actually one of the better looking cats I have seen in Beijing.

A Collection of Random Thoughts from our First Day

This is a little late because we have been having internet issues, but I wanted to mention a few things that happened on Saturday.
- Above is the view from my room. This random pipe on the next building over pisses out smoke just after 8 every morning. Of course, we didn't know that the first morning we arrived (around 8 coincidentally), so Donna and I naturally assumed the place had caught fire. These two Chinese girls strolled on in through the doors below which caused me a lot of stress until the smoke stopped a moment later, as suddenly as it had started. Now that I know it's going to happen... well, it still annoys me actually.
- I had to buy a new cellphone because my NZ one doesn't work with a Chinese Sim card. I spoke to another lady who is on the program and also recently purchased a new phone in NZ. She, like me, was told by the salesperson that she needed only buy a new Sim card. If you plan to go overseas and buy a Vodafone Sim card, and the sales assistant tells you it will be fine, I want you to do something for me: I want you to punch them in their face.
Thanks to everyone who has replied to my texts!
- Chinese TV: Awesome. I haven't had time to check it out much, but the one time I did have a look I saw a trippy Asian talent quest type thing and a Chinese dubbed World's Strongest Man competition (from 2007! Can you imagine the letters to TV Guide if they screened something that old in NZ, Monie!)
- Coffee seems to be like a rare commodity here. I don't know what they're making it out of, maybe ground gold flakes, but it can cost up to 40 yuan a cup, a ridiculous price to expect someone who gets cheesed at Starbucks prices to pay!
- Beijing is dirty! Not with rubbish neccessarily, or graffitti, but just grime and rubble. I want to sweep it.

So those are a few adventures on that first day. That's just scratching the surface. I could spend hours telling you guys what we've seen and done, but I better save something for when we come back!
We're off to the supermarket now. It's supposedly two stories and quite a mission. But we need washing powder. And fruit. Fruit is your friend in China, except for things like apples, which you would have to peel before eating. And who can be bothered with that! Bananas are good, as are mandarins and oranges. Exciting!

A Special Post from Mingming

Hello, my name is Mingming. I am to be special friend/domestic servant for Master Dekin. I hope he is good master and does not drag me by leg. I am very happy to be in Beijing. Beijing nice, smelly, but nice.
I make friend Chicky. We are East/West harmony friends. It is much beautiful thing, I think. Ziajian persons!
From Mingming.

TOILETS

Hey, check this out!! You have been warned!!! Some of the sights are to be seen to be believed! So what to do I hear you ask? Easy, you go to the other cubicle that doesn't have this sign! Seriously some of the toilet stories we have would blow you away. Yes they are swat holes and yes they are pretty revolting! Oh my goodness. Anyway Pauline has arrived, time to chat. Pauline is from Rotorua and won a 3 month scholarship so we are all ears and then we are off around Beijing with our own personal guide.

Oh, thank you, Jebus!

I might just survive this after all.
McDonalds is the only place that sells coffee for less than about the equivalent of $10NZ.

Ni hao from Beijing

Yep, we made it. Second day here now and we all slept like champs last night. Donna slept for 11 hours straight, narrowly beating my record. Her suitcase was a kilo and a half lighter than mine too. Curse you, Donna, always showing me up...
So we got in to Beijing at 6:00am and did all the customs stuff. I was amazedat how simple it is going through customs. The process is lengthier and more complicated going into Australia, even if you were born there! Thy did have a thermal sensor though, which showed your body temperature as you walk through it. In other words, a machine that checks out how hot you are! It goes without saying I registered off the scale.
Dr Han Xi from the Confucious Institute was kind enough to meet us at the airport (that's her you can see trying to Rose's left, trying to duck out of the photo. Too slow!) We boarding the Peking Universiy bus and off we went.
On the highway all the trees were bare. The trees are all thin, tall and twiggy, like old-fashioned brooms. I was still adjusting to the cold at that point and my hands (and brain) weren't working so well, but I wish I'd got a photo of the bird's nests at the top of some of these trees. They were huge! I asked Han Xi what bird made them but she didn't know and neither did any of the other Chinese people she asked. A mystery! They must be either a good size or hard workers though!

Safe and Sound!

We made it to China safe and sound. It's actually sleepy time for me right now after a huge day, but I'll try and catch you up right tomorrow.
My Chinese cell number is 1352 220 9394. I've sent out a few texts but haven't had any replies yet, which makes me wonder if I'm doing it correctly. If you can figure out how to use those digits to contact me I would love to hear from you!
Wan An,
Josh